Do single mothers remind you of the you you're trying to forget?

you're hiding from what they can't.

Single mothers are ridiculed beyond comprehension. I can say that without much argument. Though, some will stand up boldly proclaim that it’s well-deserved. Women ought to be smarter about who they lay down with and choose better men. That perspective is isn’t entirely wrong but we slap very simplistic rationale onto things that too complex and complicated for surface level judgment. We simply do not want to connect to our emotions enough to have compassion and understanding so we just brashly tell people what they’ve should’ve done and that’s it.

The truth is every single mother has a story that has led her to where she is at. One of the older relatives in my family has seven children from multiple fathers. She’s has been endlessly condemned by our family and community for her decisions. She was seen as a person who messed up her life once graduating at the top of her class, sent to special private schools and job opportunities by white folks for her perfect penmanship. On the surface, she’s irresponsible, stupid, ignorant, a horrible mother (though still known for having the tidiest children in the neighborhood) even years and years after her passing people of my family still talk low of her her but me, personally knowing her story I get it.

She grew up in a hyper-religious Christian house hold in the 1940’s deep South. Feeling unloved and unseen being a dark-skin black girl growing up in that time, unable to express her in any capacity much less her sexuality in a healthy way while dealing with the stress and terror of racism that ran her up North on her own. I can understand how a person with a history like that would consistently run into the arms of a man, any man that could protect her and make her feel like she existed, even for a short time. I’m not saying one woman surviving poverty with her seven children alone is right. I’m not saying it’s okay. I am saying I understand.

That’s the part we avoid, the empathy. We behave as if empathy is weak and encourages bad behaviors instead of a tool of acquiring real depth where we can identify and fix issues from the root.

I saw a Instagram reel meme once. It said “If you have more than two baby daddies you believe in love too much” of course the comment section was filled with laughing emojis. What this showed me is yeah, we understand women in these circumstances probably have searched for love in all the wrong places but haven’t we all?

The hatred of single mothers is not just attached from misogyny and disregard for children but also an embarrassing part of ourselves we’re all trying to run away from.

WE HAVE ALL BEEN DUMB AND SEARCHED FOR LOVE, ACCEPTANCE AND COMPANIONSHIP IN PLACES WE KNEW WE SHOULDN’T. We were desperate, we we’re aching, we wanted to feel the emotional warmth of care so we allowed ourselves to be involved in naive situations we knew were unhealthy. In romantic relationships, in friendships, in friends with benefits, in situationship, in workplace cliques you name it. The only difference is single mothers have concrete proof that they were insecure, unaware while in those wrong places. The rest of us along with the fathers with the male privilege to up and leave at any time, can turn up our noses and pretend we’ve been smart all along. We can talk about how idiotic she is knowing there’s the shadow of the past behind us that knows we we’re once there too.

If anything, at least single mothers stand in their truth. Their existence says “Yes, I made a mistake. Maybe this wasn’t a wise decision but I love my children and I’m going to move forward and be better despite.” That’s honestly more internal work than most of us without the responsibility of children have ever done.

If you see a single mother and suddenly are swelled with annoyance or disgust I urge you to confront the ways you approached your own faults, those quiet, little secrets of your former lives you don’t say aloud to anyone. You probably try to not think about it and that’s my exact point. Single mothers remind us the shame we have of our old selves. The judgment of these women only exposes how much we haven’t forgiven our own mistakes. We blame her, unknowingly pointing sharply at ourselves.

There’s not a single human being without skeletons in their closet. Some people’s closets have doors that swing wide open, others are locked shut, some closets are buried deep far far far beneath the ground. Shuttling rocks at closets we can see will never erase the fact that ours are still right beneath our feet.