the Sun & the Moon: missing your toxic ex bestfriend

a poem.

back then we partied too often
drank too much
laughed too hard through our haze
to realize we weren't actually good friends

you were crazier than me
hopping into random cars
coming back with random stories
the tales to raw
you got high off shame
the tales too raw
I held your hand in the clinic at 8am
11am mimosa cheers at the brunch spot
to you not “being nobody’s baby momma”
eleven hours later we'd swallow
dark clubs and strobe lights
you fall in midnight love with another boy
I slowly falling out of love with us

by dawn
boy of the night would have done something wrong
as soon as our above turned navy into baby blue
I’d be wiping your tears

me?
I was you but in school
across your eyes I’d flash my scholarships
my study abroad summer in France
shine my summa cum laude and your mother’s praise
all in your face
which you'd eat
because you prided yourself being prettier than me
flashing your sparkly gifts and island vacations
your generous boyfriends and inflated DMs
where you knew I’d see too
you did ditch me for anyone handsome
the often cancel of plans for the new him
and I’d just eat it because I was so addicted to your fun
when you did choose me

a ying and yang of nice nasty
taunting each other with each other's incompetence.
like a mean discreet pinch
a soundless shove
we loved to slither under each other's skin

back then we partied too often
drank too much
laughed too hard through our haze
to realize we weren't actually good friends

I was too addicted to your fun
to realize I was becoming too much of you
speaking too much in your language to others
my college friends couldn't understand
I made a joke about getting an iridescent flask
you definitely would have laughed
no one here did
one of them told me I was moving too fast
they didn't know my fast was slow
in comparison to you
when your expensive mascara smeared from my lash to ear
during hung over early morning midterms
I still ace'd it
I was you but smarter
I was you but in school
it’s the trick
of taking few shots off a textbook

class ends and I’ll get your text
clock work
a screen shot of a neon flyer
illuminating off my phone
party TONIGHT
you’ll give me something to take
and we’ll spin around like stars again

In the bathroom you tell me to guard
I overhear the newest boy of the night tell you
after the sound of his jeans zip up
that actually you're kind of sad
”you need it to get it together” he says
you bust out the stalls laughing
he doesn’t know you are me but prettier
we’d stand arms interlinked behind your NEWEST newest boy
too cut the line to at NEWEST new party an hour later
those were our cycles of night life
a tug of hours
I pulled you into the day
And you pulled me into the night

back then we partied too often
drank too much
laughed too hard through our haze
to realize we weren't actually good friends

we just wanted to be each other

and as you kept pulling me into the dark
as I tried to keep you in the day
you became too crazy
too off this planet
head over the toilet too often
your arguing with the latest midnight boy became too loud
you took nothing serious
you embarrassed me
suddenly I couldn't reach high enough bring you down
into the light enough to bring you towards the sun.

I ditched you forever the morning I officially woke up.

sometimes Moon,
I walk home at night
and my arms feel empty
I'm bored in my house
I notice of lights around me aren't flashing
I’m uncomfortably sober
but my eyes are clean
and I'm better here

is it crazy to admit though?
sometimes these days feel just too long
and I miss nocturnally spiraling with you
when the sky is obsidian
I look out and I wonder if you’re out there still spinning
if you’ve found a new Sun
and if you two are actually good friends.