The Loneliness of Having Hope

is it wrong that I don't want to commune in misery?

I have hope. I believe through the injustice and terror that havocs our country much more our world there are still signs of love and blessings. There is always light. The way a friend cracks a joke through your tears when your having rough day. Sometimes that’s what pulls you through.

There’s things I’m excited about. Spring is coming! It’s been a long, dark, icy New York winter and we’ve had a few days of fifty degree weather that’s reminding us the dark hibernation is not forever. I am so excited to see the green grow back on the trees, the large colorful flowers pop up seemingly out of nowhere, the events my city will start having as everyone becomes excited to be outside again.

I’m excited about Juneteenth. In Brooklyn, it’s such a big holiday. We never needed a government stamp of officiality to celebrate the liberation of our people so I know it’s going to be especially fun this time around.

I’m excited to watch all the new movies on my Letterboxd watch list. No matter how low funds are I make sure to save $10.99 for my Criterion subscription because foreign films touch me deeply. Films outside of America are so much more empathetic, slow, meditative. I’ve rekindled my affinity for Wong Kar Wai films. I’ve been a fan for a while now but began watching them and all the Youtube all the analysis vids from other fans, after a close friend gifted me the full Director’s box set for my birthday. The late night, neon aesthetic is hypnotic magic. If you’re interested, I strongly suggest his classics Fallen Angels, Happy Together and his most popular of all time In The Mood For Love.

Also, my recent birthday though quiet the day of was filled with love and songs the days after. I went to a friend’s home brunch and her people we’re there wishing me happy birthday with smiles and a few others giving me gifts. I felt loved. I didn’t grow up with much company so having intentional care around me feels surreal.

I have been eating good as hell. Steaks and cakes and rich, warm delicious soups with rice that warm me from the cold. I have new albums to listen to, a cool art show to go to this weekend, my body has been feeling better since stretching and doing more yoga, my parents are about to go on an amazing trip together and I’m happy for them. They haven’t gotten out much lately.

Things feel good. I see the small, simple beauties of life and yet it seems I can’t talk to anyone about it. Outside of my few friends, everyone hates life. Their feelings are valid. The American government is awful right now. It’s a struggle to live and I know everyone does not have the community I do. Speaking to a neighbor or anyone else in in passing, all anyone wants to talk about is negative news. What’s terrible, how stupid people are, how much everything sucks. People thinking holding a conversation is trauma dumping then walking off and it’s nauseating. I don’t believe negativity, gloom or nihilism is revolutionary. I believe in radical hope and joy is. I’m not saying be fake happy when you’re not but romanticizing a day with a friend or a good movie or a nice sweet will genuinely get you through. These little things give me hope that there’s more and more little things and even big things ahead of but overtime I’ve recognized I’m very lonely in this thinking.

I’ve tried to pull others in my joy. I’ve tried to speak positive over people in conversation to boost the general mood, People are just committed to their misery. They want to feel bad. It’s what they know. It’s comfortable for them. Some people simply want to stay in their cycle of gloom. I’m no longer challenging them. I’ve exhausted too much of my own personal energy trying to lift people up with me. I’ve come to terms that most people just don’t think like me. Hey, maybe I am that damn unique. Maybe always being positive-leaning is’’t corny and annoying like old classmates used to say (lmao) but actually a self-sustaining sign of strength that sets me apart. I’m choosing to have pride in it. This is how I survive. It’s working for me and if I’m alone in this type of survival than so be it. It feels good. It feels better. It hugs me. It feels right.